Does anyone send out DVDs anymore?

Hey Dave – Does anyone really send out DVD’s anymore? Do bookers even look at them? I think online is the way to go. – C.L.

Hey C.L. – The answer to your question was obvious to me when I was (pretend) shopping for a new computer. I wasn’t actually going to buy anything, but I wanted to see firsthand the new features I’m missing out on.

Unloading a DVD

The techno-wizard I was soaking for information was in the middle of his sales pitch for a popular brand miniature laptop when I asked a question that stopped him cold:

“Where do you load in the DVD?”

To describe his response, imagine you just walked onstage. You’ve delivered your opening line and the audience responds with a silent stare. THAT’s what this guy did to me. On stage you start to sweat because no one laughed. One-on-one in a computer store I just hoped this guy DIDN’T laugh.

Mr. Wizard showed me a flash drive and said it takes the place of a DVD. If that gets too full or you start collecting too many, all your videos can be stored in a cloud.

The obvious joke right now is to say my head was in a cloud after this piece of information. According to him, DVD’s are old school – similar to how my kids describe my musical tastes.

No doubt there are talent bookers and event planners that are techno-savvy, but I also happen to know a few who make me seem like a computer genius. One even looks at his DVD player as an evil device that made his trusted VCR obsolete (really old school). I’m serious – no joke.

So that brings us back to your question. Does anyone send out DVD’s anymore?

Not really – but sometimes…

From talking with comedians, bookers and personal experience, almost everything today is done online. You can really see a generation gap if someone requests a DVD (old school). It’s a lot easier to watch comedy sets online. I do it all the time – and you probably do also.

Of course nothing beats a live showcase. But if you can’t arrange that in person or through connections, a film of your set is the next best thing. And if you’re not online you’re not in the business.

That was easy!

With comedy clubs, a great video can lead to a scheduled showcase or even a paid gig. And as I’m sure many of you know there are a lot of comedians hoping for one of those spots. With the amount of videos club bookers are asked to watch, it’s a good idea to make the process as easy as possible. And as you should also know, clicking an online link is a lot easier than loading and ejecting DVDs. It’s also faster which allows them to watch more comedian submissions.

When it comes to the corporate and college markets, I can’t remember the last time I had to make a DVD and send it to a client. Videos are now imbedded into websites or through links on YouTube or Vimeo. When an event planner or student activities booker is searching for entertainment they watch online videos. It’s immediate and they can also forward the link to any other decision makers. It really makes business practices from only few years ago seem like we were working in the Stone Age.

But there will always be exceptions. I’ve heard of a few bookers who still require a hard copy promo package and DVD. I’m just mentioning that in case you run into any. If you have a good website it should be easy to burn a copy of your video onto a DVD, run off copies of your bio, resume and headshot, put it all in a two-pocket folder and send via snail mail.

Burning a DVD

A good argument for DVDs would come from comedians with television credits. Of course it’s impressive for bookers to see your set from an appearance on Comedy Central (or another network), but with copyrights and other legalities chances are they won’t let you post it online.

The networks usually give comics a “personal copy” and they’re allowed to use it for “personal reasons.” That would include burning it onto a DVD and sending to bookers for potential gigs. But don’t try selling it after your show unless you also want the credit of “bootlegger” on your resume.

So getting back to your question…

No – nobody sends out DVD’s anymore and…

YES – sometimes they do.

Have a comment? Please use the form below.

Thanks for reading and as always – keep laughing!

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How to get letters of recommendation

Hey Dave – You had an article a while back about using quotes from clients as promotion on websites. I’ve been doing sets for some local businesses and clubs and the people who hire me say they like what I do. Can I just take what they say and post it on my website or do I need it in writing? How do I get these quotes? I want to move into doing better paying corporate shows. Thanks – H.P.

Hey H.P. – You have a good memory. I ran an FAQ and Answer last June about using “Blurbs and Letters of Recommendation.” Since I only keep these ramblings posted for six months before hitting delete, it’s no longer online. BUT because I’m a good guy (play along if you don’t actually know me) I’ll paste it at the bottom of this one in case anyone wants to check it out.

So we’ll consider this FAQ and Answer a two-parter. Two for the price of… well, nothing. Geez, maybe I should move into a better paying market.

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

As a brief synopsis, the earlier article talked about what you’d want a client to say about you and your performance in a good letter (or email) of recommendation. I pointed out that at best it would be an advertisement for what you contributed to the event – and an enticement for potential clients to hire you for future gigs. Then you would pull out a line or two (a “blurb”) to post on your website, similar to a short positive review you’d see on a book cover.

But I won’t repeat all that. The article is posted below so we’ll just continue from here…

As a lot of comedians and speakers know, a letter of recommendation is never a slam dunk. In other words a client may promise to send you one, but that doesn’t make it a guarantee. It doesn’t (always) mean they didn’t like you or your performance, it’s just sometimes they find work, life and other important stuff takes up their time.

They might just forget.

What I suspect is that writing a letter of recommendation – at least for some people – is like doing homework. They may look at writing as “work” or they really don’t know how to put their thoughts into words. They’re not writers like most comedians and speakers, and will put it off the extra work until… like… forever.

We’ll deal with those procrastinators in a moment. But first…

To help jolt the memory of clients who might not realize the importance of a letter of recommendation to your career, here’s a tip I learned a long time ago from successful speakers and comedians.

And believe me – it works a LOT more than it doesn’t…

Always take a self-addressed, stamped envelope to all your gigs. When you’re talking with the client after your performance and they’re telling you how great you were, the audience loved it, yadda-yadda-yadda, come right out and ask for the letter. They’re already giving you a positive review, so just make it part of the conversation. And when they say yes – and they will if they’re heaping praise on you – hand them the envelope. Tell them you’re making it easy for them.

Sign here please!

Seriously. I’m not joking.

Before I started doing this, it was always hit or miss on getting a letter. But once they have the SASE it apparently makes it easier for them to remember. I also suspect they would feel a bit guilty having that envelope and not following through on their promise. So for that reason alone, let’s call it the guilt factor.

It works more than it doesn’t.

It also helps if you send a thank you email, letter or postcard – depending on how you’ve been communicating with the client before the gig. It’s the follow-up that you should be doing anyway. If you haven’t received one by that time, use that opportunity to remind them about a letter of recommendation.

BTW – an email of recommendation is also acceptable. Just like using quotes and photos in a book, I feel it’s important to have something in writing from the person recommending you as proof of their permission. A verbal quote is fine, but they may forget, see their name on your website and… well, like any good business deal having something in writing is always best.

If you still don’t get the letter AND especially for those clients who really aren’t writers and plan to put this off forever, here’s another option. And again – I don’t make this stuff up. I was given this advice by a highly paid and constantly working humorous speaker at a meeting of The National Speakers Association (NSA). And the reason I’m telling you that is because I found making that reference worthy of being a “blurb” to back up this technique…

Make the call

If you haven’t received a letter a week after your performance, call the client. Since you’ve already worked for them, you should at least have a one phone call relationship where you can again thank them for the gig. You can also ask for any advice or feedback about your performance.

If they have good things to say – and they should if they said it after your performance – ask again about a letter. If the client apologizes and has excuses about being busy, etc… Offer to make their life easier. Ask if you can write the letter (or email) yourself and send it to them.

Again – I don’t make this stuff up. I’ve used this advice and it worked for me – and obviously for the guy that gave me the tip in the first place.

Remind the client it’s important for future bookings or that talent agents and event planners really need recommendations to work with you. Say you’ll write something simple, will send it, (email or with a SASE), and they can edit or change it any way they’d like. Your request is that they email it back with their “okay” (endorsement) or copy it onto a page with company letterhead, sign and return (using your generously supplied SASE). You can usually hear them breathe a sigh of relief on the phone. They just got someone else – you – to do their homework for them.

Okay, most working comics and speakers are probably thinking this is elementary stuff. They know about this. So my excuse is that these tips are for the newbies that don’t. I’ve mentioned this to beginning comics in my workshops and can see eyes light up. Yeah, these are good ideas and they work.

One generous reader also sent me an email about the importance today of having video letters of recommendation. Again – great idea!

Always consider filming your performance (ask client’s permission first). It could be for promotional purposes or just a way to review your set. If the client or audience members are giving you high praise after your program, ask if they would say it into the camera.

Seriously – again – I’m not joking. Along with a lot of other comics and speakers, I’ve done this and it works. Add their video endorsements to your promo reel. As I said in the earlier article pasted below, it’s always better when someone else is telling the world how great you are – rather than you having to talk yourself up.

And speaking of the earlier article, you can scroll down past all my shameless promotion and comments request below and start reading.

Have a comment? Please use the form below.

Thanks for reading and as always – keep laughing!

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And now as promised…

Blurbs and Letters of Recommendation

First published June 16, 2016

Hey Dave – I remember you had an article about what goes into a good recommendation letter. I have a few from doing corporate shows and fundraisers. Since you’ve also pointed out that promo is online I was wondering how to get these letters in front of talent bookers. It’s not like the old days when we could make paper copies to send in with a promo package. Thoughts? – J.W.

Hey J.W. – The article you’re talking about was on what would go into a good letter of recommendation. The idea is to share a client’s positive review about your performance and what you contributed to the event. The idea is to show potential clients, event planners and talent bookers you have a track record – experience – at helping to make other events successful. And as we know, they also want their events to be successful.

Here are a few examples of feedback that work in a good letter of recommendation:

  • Great performance
  • Lots of laughs
  • Engaged the audience
  • Easy to work with
  • Great audience feedback
  • Went out of your way to make the event a success

All that type of good word is… well, good word for you.

You still want to collect letters – or emails – of recommendation. But yeah, the days of printing up paper copies are pretty much ancient history. That’s good for the trees – and also good for streamlining your promotional material. Not to mention saving postal costs from the days when we had to send everything via snail mail.

Today everything goes on your website. And like a modern 15- 20 second television commercial (in the “old days” they could last a minute or even 90 seconds) you need to promote yourself and your services with the best attention-grabbing statements.

What you are looking for is one great sentence or a few short ones together that you can pull out and use on the homepage of your website, LinkedIn, Facebook or other one-page promo.

Something like…

“J.W. was very funny and our audience loved him. We look forward to working with him again.” – name of client / company / event, etc…

The idea is to use this sentence as a blurb, which is a short and positive review similar to what you see on the back of book covers. Or now that so many books are eBooks, these blurbs – recommendations from reviewers – usually follow the book cover image. These are enticements, which is another word for advertisements that will keep potential buyers interested in buying the book.

I know I’m getting off track (my track record?) but for an example of how a good blurb should be written go online to the Amazon.com and look for Kindle books.

You don’t need a Kindle reader to do this. Find any book and click the Look Inside feature. The following will work with almost any eBook…

When you click Look Inside a separate window will open and you’ll get a free sample of the book to read. It’s just like the “old days” of going to your local bookstore where you could pull a book off the shelf, do a quick look and decide if you want to buy it or not.

Ebooks do this online for the same reason. You can read a sample before you buy.

Okay, like I said I’m going off track (you were warned) but follow me on this. It’ll make sense at the end…

Unlike physical books with real paper pages, eBooks only offer the beginning of each book you want to sample. It’s usually only the first 10 or 20 percent. To see the rest, you have to buy it.

So publishers and advertisers (enticers) need to grab a reader’s attention right from the first page and hold it for that first 10% or 20%. There should be no wasted space.

So instead of being similar to a paper book that starts out with title pages, copyright pages, dedication pages, thank you pages, blank pages and other traditional book beginnings, it’s important for eBooks to entice readers right from the very start into purchasing the book. There is also no back cover for an ebook to display descriptions (advertisements) about what’s inside.

So immediately after the cover image you’ll see a short overview (enticement) of the book and the best reviews (advertisements). Since the publishers want to display as many good reviews as possible to convince you to buy it and only have 10% to 20% of an ebook to do that, they’ll only use the best statement(s) from reviews that were probably longer.

These are blurbs.

Following the blurbs the same will jump right into a Table of Contents (more enticements) and the beginning of the book. This gives potential buyers an immediate feel for what they’re buying. The copyright pages and all the rest of the legal stuff and personal comments (“Thanks mom and dad for your support!”) will appear at the end of the eBook. The legal stuff is needed to keep the government and tax man off your back, while the personal stuff keeps family and friends happy. But none of it helps to make a sale.

Now, to get back on track. I detailed these standard publishing techniques because…

You need to start thinking the same way. You’re selling your service just like publishers sell their eBooks. These online books are great FREE examples of how advertising (blurbs of recommendation) should look and work for you. Take a look at the short and attention grabbing one or two sentence reviews at the beginning of an eBook and you’ll understand what you should be looking for in a letter of recommendation. You’ll know what to pull out and use on your website and in your promo material for a blurb.

Get great blurbs (advertising) and put them where potential clients (buyers) will be sure to see them – near the beginning of your promo. It will entice them to read more about you. And if they like what they read, they’ll continue to read. And once they know more about the positives you can bring to their show or event you’ll have a better chance of nailing the job.

You can also check out websites for other comedians and speakers. Any of them that have great letters of recommendation will have the best blurbs posted online for potential clients to read. It’s also common to have a “Reviews” page linked to the home page with a list of blurbs.

Websites for working comics and speakers are loaded with them.

The deal is that you can talk yourself up all you want and great salesmen are skilled at that. But nothing beats someone else talking you up. That’s what a great review – blurbs and letters of recommendation – will accomplish.

Copyright 2016 – North Shore Publishing.

Shake things up in 2017

Hi Dave – I’m one of those people who will always wonder, “What if?” I’ve fallen behind in my stage fright quotient and will definitely tackle those fears and hit the stage once I get a solid five minutes (of comedy material). I may sink, swim or neither, but it’s time to shake things up. I was just watching what I consider to be the underrated Stardust Memories with one of my favorite lines: “You wanna help mankind? Tell funnier jokes.” Much obliged – P.J.

Ready… set… go!

Hey P.J. – I like your attitude. It’s a new year, which for many people can signal a new change or a new direction in life. Personally I don’t see why changes can’t be made anytime you feel you’re ready and it’s needed, but the New Year’s Countdown and ball dropping in New York’s Times Square can be like a starter’s pistol going off. For some, it’s time to start running in a new direction.

Three, two, one… Happy New Year!

Wait a minute… another year? “What if…?

How often have you thought that? We’d all like to swim rather than sink, but to do neither sounds like a step backwards to me. So I’m gonna kick-start 2017 with a bit of a challenge:

Let’s shake things up.

Since you’ve read this far AND if you’ve read any past FAQ’s And Answers I’m assuming you have a sense of humor AND a flair for creativity (and that’s a creative word: flair). You’re either a comedian or a humorous speaker – or both – or aspiring to be one or the other – or both.

How do you stand-out from everyone else? What separates you from the pack? Maybe it’s time to shake things up and take a risk.

Wait until next year?

Taking a risk can mean different things to different people. If you’ve never been on stage for whatever reason (stage fright quotient?) but it’s burning a BIG “What If?” in your brain – do it now. If you’re waiting until the ball drops next year, you risk losing this year. Go to an open-mic, take a class, form a writing group – whatever, there are tons of options. There are also plenty of good books on the market (and not just mine – search around) on how to write and perform.

Let’s shake things up.

If you’re already on stage doing comedy or speaking and your career is not where you think it should be – make a change. Take a risk. Try something different. It could be different topics, different energy, different venues or even a different location. You never know until you try.

One of my favorite stories in my book Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works is from comedian Christopher Titus.

He described himself early in his career as being the “happy-go-lucky comic.” He was funny, but there was nothing that separated him from any other observational comic.

Then his manager challenged him to take a risk. He suggested he be real on stage.

Titus was one person (happy-go-lucky) on stage, but off stage he had a dark, edgy – risky – style of humor. Accepting the challenge, he wrote a bit about stabbing his boss with a letter opener. It worked BIG time. This change in his comedy voice separated him from the pack, made him an in-demand headliner and also star of his own television sitcom, Titus.

It’s about time!

Now I’m not saying to write material about stabbing your boss with a letter opener. If you look back at the above paragraph, it’s been done. Copying someone else’s material is not going to get you anywhere in this creative business. In fact, it would be a step backwards. And it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to go in a more edgy direction if that is NOT where your true humor is based. Some comics like more family-oriented material or working in the corporate (clean) market.

All I’m saying… suggesting… (motivating?)… is to make this YOUR year. Accept the challenge and shake things up.

If you’re waiting to start, take that important first step and get on stage. If you’re looking for help in preparing for that first step, are too nervous, or have a full-blown case of stage fright, take a workshop and let someone with experience help you ease your way into it. If you’re already performing, remember the famous line from Stardust Memories (a Woody Allen film if you need to know):

“You wanna help mankind? Tell funnier jokes.”

Have a productive, successful and laugh-filled 2017.

Your Pal – Dave

Have a comment? Please use the form below.

Thanks for reading and as always – keep laughing!

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Bomb Alert! Here’s an on stage survival guide

Hi Dave – What should you do if no one is laughing or if you realize that you are starting to bomb? – A.B.

Hey A.B. – Duck and cover. Okay, if that’s not the answer you’re looking for, here’s another one I’ve seen work…

But first a definition.

Take cover

Some of our readers may not understand what you mean by bomb. That’s when you’re doing your best to entertain (comedians) or entertain AND inform (humorous speakers) and NOTHING is working. The audience is not laughing, you’re starting to panic, you begin to sweat, and you have this overwhelming feeling that everyone in the room HATES you.

That’s called Bombing 101. And if you ever get used to it you’re in the wrong business. I don’t know any comedian who hasn’t gone through the sensation. If they claim they haven’t, they’re playing a joke on you.

The dedicated comics never let bombing on stage stop them from performing again. But the smart ones use the experience to learn something. And what they usually learn is what NOT to do on stage again that caused them to bomb in the first place.

As an example:

In my book Comedy FAQs And Answers I talked with comedian George Wallace about this. He told me how he first started his career under the stage name The Reverend George Wallace and would use a phone book like a Bible. It worked in NYC, but when he played his first road gig in upstate New York, the audience hated his act. He was paid to do an hour – and he did an hour – but it was a mega-ton bombing experience. He told me that during the drive home he thought about driving his car off a bridge because he felt so bad.

But the learning experience was that he would NEVER allow himself to go through that again. It made him rethink and change everything about his act and his comedy voice (who he was on stage). The Reverend title was gone and so was the phone book. He decided that if he was having fun – a party – on stage, so would the audience. When the audience is having fun – when they’re in a party mood – you’re NOT bombing.

And if you’ve ever seen George Wallace perform you’ll know what I mean. He’s become immune to bombing.

So you want some advice? Okay…

If you feel like you’re starting to bomb, a technique or trick (for lack of a better term) I’ve seen some other big-name comics use to turn the situation around is to talk TO and WITH the audience. Seriously, I’ve seen it more times than I can remember. Forget your material for a moment – especially since they don’t appear to like it anyway – and bring the audience into the show.

Here’s an example…

When I was scheduling the comics for the Hollywood Improv, one of our most dependable (meaning funniest) acts was not only a great performer but also a GREAT writer. Comics in my workshops know who I’m going to talk about because I always name (drop?) names. But since I didn’t do an interview with him for one of my books and haven’t been in direct touch lately to politely ask if I could drop his name here, I’ll just keep his identity secret. But I’ll drop a hint that when another big-name star took over hosting a big-name late night television show, this comic was brought in as the Head Writer.

That’s how much respect this guy has in the comedy business!

His material is great and I’ve always enjoyed watching his sets because of that reason – great material. But I remember one evening at The Improv when the audience just wasn’t getting it. I have no idea why not, but it happens to all comics at some time or another.

Talk WITH the audience

Anyway, much to my astonishment and confusion, his material wasn’t working. But as I watched, he took the microphone out of the stand (which he rarely ever did), walked to the front of the stage and started talking TO and WITH the audience. He really looked at the individuals and REALLY had conversations.

He kept it simple, easy, and made it comfortable for everyone to be involved in what he was doing.

Where are you from?” and “What do you do for a living?” types of questions led into some very funny replies and ensuing conversations. And once the audience was with him, he stepped back, put the microphone back in the stand and started doing his material.

This time the audience LOVED him AND his material. They followed him, GOT the material, laughed at the material, and it was a great show. He walked off stage to big applause.

So I had to ask him about it – right?

He reminded me that all comedians start out as MC’s (opening act) in clubs. That’s where you break in and get your earliest on stage experience. It’s how you develop your writing and performing skills in front of listeners who will respond – positively or negatively. And one of the most important jobs of being an MC is to warm up the audience (make them laugh) and get them involved in the show.

What’s the best way to do that? Talk TO and WITH them.

He had developed the skill, talent and experience for doing that – and could call on it whenever he needed to. Not only did I see (and talk with) comics using this technique in Los Angeles, but also when I worked at The Improv clubs in New York and Cleveland. It’s nothing this particular comic simply tried on a whim because others had already proven it can help defuse a bombing situation.

So in other words, I could also name (drop) other comics I’ve watched do this and also tell you they gave me the exact same explanation. When they were MC’s moving up in the biz, they learned how to talk TO and WITH an audience. It’s an important learned skill and a way to keep them involved, interested and (hopefully) laughing. And when that’s happening you’re not bombing.

So if it happens, start talking. Otherwise, just get used to the duck and cover method of surviving on stage.

Have a comment? Please use the form below.

Thanks for reading and as always – keep laughing!

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Top 10 Networking Jokes for 2015

Another year with more laughs? Sounds good to me. But before we move ahead, let’s take a look back at what made us laugh in 2015. And in case you haven’t caught on yet, that’s a good excuse to list The Top 10 Networking Jokes For 2015.

Though I’ve been doing this newsletter for a lot longer, I didn’t come up with the brilliant idea of sharing your jokes with links to your websites, videos and other marketing sites until the last few months of 2010. Since then there have been 224 jokes shared in this newsletter. If we put them all together (35 pages!) it might make a good Comedy Central special or at least a decent open-mic set – ha!

So to ring out the old and ring in the new, here in no special order are 2015’s Top 10 Networking Jokes for How To Be A Working Comic and Humorous Speaker. We’ll pick up where we left off in 2016, so if you have a website, video, upcoming show, Facebook page, Twitter, LinkedIn or other site you’d like to promote to your fellow readers, use the CONTACT form below. After all, it’s all about networking…

Thanks for reading and being an important part of this large circle of comedians, humorous speakers, talent reps and talent bookers. I hope you have a very productive and laugh-filled New Year!

Keep Laughing!

Dave Schwensen

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TOP 10 NETWORKING JOKES FOR 2015

1. Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!” The next day the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The handsome guys says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.” – Brian Luoma

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2. Last night I decided to go out to just hang out and have a beer, then I fell asleep while planning what to wear. This morning I realized, my trash goes out more than I do. – Vernon Davis

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3. I was reading an article last week about Fathers and Daughters, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my Daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local Pub, which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness Stout. She didn’t like it – so I drank it. Then I got her an Old Style – she didn’t like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could hardly push the stroller back home. – Bob Stefani

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4. “It’s not that I’m fat. It’s just that I’m modest and don’t want my bones to show.” – Lynn B. Johnson

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5. A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. “I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, “Come on son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!” – No Name.

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6. “Things are so bad in the world, I just started my own Kickstarter campaign for world peace – and now I owe them money. 42,000,000 dollars and a Get Out Of The USA Free card… Oy!!!” – Dave Weiser

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7. “Middle life is not a crisis. It’s a waterslide to old age.” – Marilyn Mandel

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8. “I went skydiving the other day. It was the most exciting thing I’d ever done and the scariest. Like marriage. Except skydiving has a higher success rate.” – Don Cooper

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9. The shark had punched a hole in the bottom of the boat and we started taking on water. With nothing to plug the hole the Captain said, just sit on it. I did but the leak got worst. Remembering JAWS, I yelled “We’re gonna need a bigger Butt!” – Bob Moher

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10. “A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle. He pulls out the cork, and a genie appears and tells him he has three wishes. “But,” the genie says, “I have to warn you, whatever you receive, your worst enemy will get twice as much as you.”

“Okay,” says the guy, “first, I want ten million dollars.” The genie grants the wish and reminds him that his worst enemy now has twenty million dollars.

“Next wish, I want a thirty-room mansion in the Bahamas.” The genie builds the mansion for him, and lets him know that his worst enemy now has a home twice as big.

“Fine. For the last wish,” the guy picks up a big stick and hands it to the genie, “beat me HALF to death.” – Debbie (my wife who thinks she’s funny telling old jokes).

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